Would you like a monkey's skull with that?

Last week, I went to the world's biggest voodoo market (but don't tell my coworkers, I told them I was going to a meeting with lawyers). I had heard many things about it from the grisly to the amused, but you know you can't miss out on these things, so Moniek, Haroon (from the US!), and I hoped on some taxi-moto and went to check it out.

As soon as we arrived, we saw that the market was customized to the smallest detail for the tourists. Maybe I got the wrong impression but it seemed like no modern Togolese person would come to this market (I hear, though, that animist beliefs are still relatively widespread here so maybe if they do come to get their ostrich leg potion, they don't come here) and that everything was set out on display for the occasional tourist. 

We walked into the area and were immediately greeted by a guide who requested 5,000 CFA per person from us (about $10USD) and additional price to take pictures but we were able to haggle down the price to about $6USD with pictures included. He proceeds to tell us about the history of the market, how this skull can be used for rheumatism, how that skull can be used for lower back pain and how, do you want to touch it?, this skeleton can be used for elephantitis (the puffer fish, appropriately).

Our guide pointing out the benefits of an elephant skull

Got a sickness? There's a skull for that

Elephantitis? Make a powder from puffer fish

They also had this poor monkey tied to a tree

So after our tour of the various shops in the market, our guide leads us into this little room (there were cave-like drawings on the wall of a buffalo chase or something, a nice touch) where the son of the village leader takes us on a dizzying verbal tour of the various charms used.  Before he started, he asked the three of us our names and proceeded to clang loudly with something while repeating our name three times.  Thank goodness he did that because now the charms were blessed in our names.  Always a plus.  This one, he tells us, will give you good luck on your voyage.  You hold it in your right hand, say into the hole the name of the place you're going to and whatever else you'd like to include, plug up the hole, and put it in your right pocket.  You can use this next one if you're suffering from insomnia.  You put three drops of water on it, rub it this way then that way then this way on your forehead, then put it under your pillow.  Do we have significant others back in our countries, he queries.  Because if so, we can put our favorite perfume on this charm, then say the name of our lover, then put the charm in our pocket.  Then once she smells the whiff of that cologne, she will fall madly in love with us.  BUT, he warns us, BUT don't let her know of the charm, otherwise its effects will be invalidated.  He moves on to the next charm, which is shaped like a little person with a hole for the mouth.  This one will bring good luck to your house.  If you use it properly (put a cigarette in the mouth-hole) then you will have good luck and protection in your house for one year.  If a robber comes in, the charm will make him blind and will run around the house aimlessly until we catch him. 

And anyway he goes on with the various charms and our guide translates with increasing panache. I think my favorite was the "African Viagra" which was a strip of wood.  You scrape a piece off, put it in your drink and your partner's drink and hey hey hey. As they finish their routine, the guide cheekily reminds us that we're not OBLIGATED to buy anything but if we want to we can (village chief's son puts a turtle's shell in front of each of us) put the one we want into this turtle's shell.  They will then bless the charms in our name.  After that, the son will consult with the gods to see what price they want for the charm and if we think the gods' price is too much, we can negotiate.  The catch? If we think the gods' price is too high, we must still buy the charm once it's been put in the turtle shell.  They say that it must be like this because after they consecrate the charms in our names, they can't use it on anyone else.  Because I didn't think the gods would act favorably on my behalf, I (and the other two people with me) decided against putting anything in the turtle shell.  

And just for good measure, after our show was done, the village chief's son gave us his dad's business card and apologize for his absence -- he was apparently doing business in Benin. How authentic.

The next day, I remembered a Facebook message thread I had going with my suitemates for next year about whether to get a TV.  I sent them the following message (they will notice it's been cleaned up to make it Internet-publishable): 

i was just thinking about this message because yesterday i went to what was apparently the world's largest voodoo market and i really, really wanted to buy us a monkey skull or something for the common room (how can you turn things like that down. and it wasnt even expensive.) but i knew it would NEVER pass through customs

then i considered getting a voodoo doll because the guy said it would bring us good luck for the rest of our lives and that we would never get sick and if a thief ever came in the common room they would become blind and would wander around until we caught the dirty little guy (how can you turn THAT down) but they were asking an absurd price. i mean i know you can't really put a premium on good luck -- and especially when it's been blessed in your name -- but still. maybe i'll find one in the big city market soon.

ANYWAY that's all to say that that yeah we should totally get a tv. i didnt even know what htey cost so i just googled it and we can get a nice flat screen tv for like $200 or something if it's like 20in. i dont know how big that is but that seems big enough, right? idk.

So Dan, if you read this, this is what I wanted to bring back for us: